...so its only been 2 weeks since i've become a mother && quite frankly i am sick of it already... no i dont mean that i want to throw morgan out a window nor do can i bring myself to give her uhp for adoption or leave her at a police station... i just mean that i am tired... physically && emotionally... i knew that it would be hard but damn... i never sleep... everybody tells me to sleep when the baby sleeps but if i did that i still wouldnt alright... morgan sleeps all day and then wakes uhp at odd hours of the morning... even if i slept all day human nature has programmed me to want to want to sleep when its dark... but nevertheless... that is folly compared to all the other things that are bothering me... i look like shit.. my skin is broken out bcuz of pregnancy hormones which fukking sucks cuz im not even pregnant anymore my stomach is a trainwreck... its black as hell that damn dark line is still there && i have stretchmarks out the wazoo... my boobs are hella soft which sounds like a good thing but most females know that soft boobies = saggy boobies... im pissed off... so now even if i wanted to take my bra off i wont... i definately will not.. bakk to my stomach its looks like crap dammit i dont even look the same anymore which is why if you havent already noticed i dont have any pictures uhp... none at all... cuz i hate the way i look... i hate it...
morgan is adorable... i love looking at her but i swear sometimes i dont like this kid... i feel like she's really holding me bakk... im young as hell the summer just started... i should be going places doing things with my friends... laughing, joking, bullshitting, and making memories that can never be replaced... but instead this summer i will be changing diapers, handling 3 am feedings, calming down a gassy infant, and making gallons upon gallons of similac advanced with iron... i cry so much these days... me && morgan have crying time together... i swear im never happy but the people around me would never know it... cuz i hide it... i hate talking to people cuz they say what they think i want to hear... which is why i never really want company && why i never talk to people... cuz no one gets it.. && then it frustrates me when people think they understand cuz they dont... this motherhood thing was never wat i wanted for me... anyone who knows me should know that i cannot stand children... they're hella annoying... from the way that they stare at you to the 1,000,000,001 questions that they ask...
but god has a twisted sense of humor... i convinced that he is like the mean kid on the top of the anthill with the magnifying glass... && even tho i have tons of help from the people in my house its not the same... cuz even after i have my 6 week checkuhp i still wont be able to go out && do anything... why??? because thats the way my family is and only one other person knows firsthand how they are && thats jess... for anyone else i cant begin to explain... its like im grateful for all the help but basically my social life is over... no one will watch morgan for me unless its bcuz im either working or in school... they will never babysit her so that i can go hang out with my friends that will never ever happen... nor will they allow me to let anyone else watch her for that matter so basically its a lose lose... && i know people will say 'well its ur kid do wat u want' as soon as i bring that uhp its all over... all help will cease to exist... && i need the help that i am getting right now...
at the end of the day i love my daughter but i resent her cuz i never wanted to be a mother... im too young for this shit && basically i wont ever have a life again until morgan is probably five years old && by then i'll be what... 24??? yeah thats not that old.. but damn this shit aint fair...
&& i just love how people like bring uhp the obvious... well you did this to urself,,, fyi i tried to have an abortion... they couldnt do it
or people like to tell me... well morgan didnt ask to be here... nor did i... i never prayed for a child i never asked for a child... cuz i never wanted a child...
but as i sed before i do love my child
it just sucks that all this had to happen in the summer
